“You are not your bra size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. Your shoe size is of no consequence. You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress. You are no amalgam of these things. You are the content of your character. You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries.” -Unknown

I cannot claim this, but it speaks so much truth into my life. I should print this out and hang it up. It reminds me that no matter who likes me or what I am wearing or how much makeup I have on all that matters is what I do with my life. What choices am I going to make today that will either help or hurt me? Will I advance His kingdom or hinder someone from entering it?

We are messed up people. This world in crazy! We are constantly making choices that just slap God in the face, yet He sent His ONLY Son to die just for me. You may be saying, I know I have heard this a thousand times. Something hit me tonight though, I can’t forgive one little thing someone did to me; yet the God of the universe can forgive me for not glorifying HIm every single day. We however can not forgive on our own! True forgiveness can only come with God’s help! This is a topic that I have always dealt with, and can never completely master. So tonight my prayer was that I would start to rely on Him for my forgiveness. I need to forgive and be forgiven. Grudges only hurt you.

How can I expect him to care
When I just don’t want to share
My feelings are locked up and I’m scared
Of how he will react if I dared
Tell him that my feelings have grown
To a new place into the unknown
No one will ever see this side
Of the truth that lies within my eyes
For now I will just lie and wait 
For a love that may never come my way

Every Sunday Sigma Phi Lambda meets for chapter. To be honest, most of my time is spent checking twitter or hoping someone would text me. I only pay attention to what I think is “important”. My attitude has been wrong. Our awesome chaplain presented a devotional at this past Sundays chapter. It really challenged me. She spoke about being an active Christian, not a passive one that just lives the “Christian” life. We should be actively seeking out conversations and opportunities to share Christ’s love. It really made me think about Christmas. I don’t come from the wealthiest home, but I will probably receive anywhere from 300-500 dollars worth of stuff. Now granted some of the things I will be receiving I do actually need, but majority of the stuff I get will probably have a life span of a year if not shorter. I had myself convinced that by donating and handing down my clothes and shoes that I don’t want anymore I was helping someone. Yes, I am helping someone, but let’s be realistic, I have 20+ more shoes that I think I need. I have clothes that I need to keep just in case. Who am I kidding? I am not okay with my lifestyle. I know that God can use me no matter what, but I am really comfortable in life right now. That fact really scares me. I definitely think a revaluation of my heart is over due. Now, I don’t share this to get the, “O my gosh, she is awesome” response. No! I am far from even partially deserving that. I say all this to challenge you. Just think about Christmas this year and what it really means. I say I know the real meaning and can quote from memory the Scriptures about baby Jesus. When Christmas morning arrives though, my reaction is not to celebrate Him, it’s to get to those presents as fast as possible. I think this year I am gonna start some new traditions in my house. December 25th needs to be about Him not about me. I know this all might seem like rambling, but it all comes full circle to Active. What are you gonna do today to bring people closer to His kingdom? I pray that for me and all of you that as Christians we will have a heart change to be Active Christians. 

Revelation 3:16-But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!

The future?
"I don't wanna think about it! It stresses me out to think about it!" This is usually the answer I give my mom when she asks me what I want to do with my life. I swear if I had a dollar for everytime someone asked me what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, I would be rich. I have started answering them with, " You know that it is a great question." This causes people to kind of stop and look at me a little funny. You see the world expects me to have it all figured out. There is the idea, you go to college, graduate, get married, have kids, start a career and live happily ever after. Well let me tell you about my track right now. I am in college with a  degree I like, but don't love, I will graduate in 5 not four years, I don't even have a boyfriend, and I want kids but have to have  a boy for that, oh and I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. The world right now hates me. I am that fish on the poster that is a different color from all the others and I am swimming in a different direction.

            I have been looking forward to summer for quite a while. I was all excited to eat a home cooked meal and spend time with all my family. Now that I am home I have realized that those reasons were so selfish of me. I came home and it hit me how thankful I am for everything and how much I take everything for granted. I think about all the things I have been given and how much I have been blessed with. I have been reflecting on the opportunities alone that I have been given. Yes, my life has had its disadvantages and things that could have gone differently, but my life has also been so full of life and love. (that sounds so cliché) I could not ask for a better life though and better family. (people that are important to me and surround me with love are family) God’s blessings have truly been all that He promised. I spent all day at home yesterday alone and it was one of the most reflective times ever. Throughout the day multiple things kept coming to mind that I should be thankful for and that I cherish. I sit in awe of the fact that if you truly strive towards God’s will for your life that He will bless you.

Space- It means so many different things. For a lot of people it means the final frontier the last great adventure to be had. Some people need more of space in their houses and never have enough. People love to have their own personal space while others love to invade other people’s space. Everyone though does love to have their own space, but when is it enough space and when is it too little.? People use this word so freely and all the time want some space..the famous quote is “I just need some space!” Well how much do you give the person and what kind of space is it? Do you want me to move a whole state away from you or do you just need me to sit in the passenger seat of your truck instead of the middle? Or is it like no contact space…am I like suffocating you? Is there no room for you to breathe am I really that close space? You see space is a very broad word that people use to mean different things, so the next time you use the word please clarify completely which space you want. 

. I haven’t really been wearing my armor of salvation lately, nor have I really been living for Him. I miss the fire and the passion I used to have. I am so wrapped up in the worldly things. I am being torn in so many directions. I know I am strong enough to handle this, but I don’t want to. This is my prayer that God you would handle this instead. I miss you more than I can stand to even think about. I miss our nightly talks about my day or what is going on in my life. I miss you guiding me through life. I am so tired of depending on myself and what I think I should be doing. It is obviously not working I am totally screwing it up. I know this summer I will really be able to reconnect and get back, this is the excuse I am using for everything. I will get my fit body back this summer, my eating habits, and my relationship with Christ. NO! It doesn’t work that way!!!! I can no longer be complacent and let the devil have this hold on me! This is not who I am! I am His daughter made in His perfect image! Right now I am not portraying Christ, I am definitely not pure. Please forgive me, I am so sorry Dad! This is not okay; I know you want what is best for me that is why you gave me a road map to life. The very something I have not been using.

*Beep, Beep, Beep* Not Again! I put my finger on the screen of my Iphone and slide it across the screen so that the annoying noise will stop blaring at me. My mind and eyes drift back asleep for 20 more minutes. Shoot! I only have ten minutes to make it to class. Do I wear the same clothes as yesterday? Well it looks like I don’t have time to change. Find my keys, where are my keys? After digging through the three mounds of clothes I finally find them! Backpack, got it. Lock the door, crap I forgot to take my medicine. Now I’m running ten minutes late. Well I am going to be late to class, oh well at least I am going, right? As I open the door and the wind hits me in the face, all I want to do is go back to bed. Why am I even trying? I am just throwing my money away into this bottomless pit of five years for a major I don’t even want. Now I am at the stairs, do I walk down them or maybe if I tripped I wouldn’t have to go to class. But then my parents would have to pay for another doctor visit and they wouldn’t be very happy. Turn my car on and plug my phone in. What do I want to listen to today? Katy Perry it is! I need some unconditional love. I pull out of my parking lot and of course I get stuck behind the stupid OSU landscaping people that their little car only goes like 15 MPH. I’m in a hurry here! Don’t they know I am running 10 minutes late for class? I finally make it to campus and briskly walk to class trying to keep my eyes open. Every person I see, I wonder, do they know that I am just going through the motions? There are times like when I am at the church when I feel truly happy, but other than that I am waiting for that passion that other talk about all the time. I don’t want to be stuck in a job that I hate and don’t want to get out of bed every morning for. So how and where do I get it? Help. 

It blinks at me like it knows what I'm thinking..it wants me to tell the truth but I just can't sometimes. The fact that I dint have to face what I'm actually saying is so easy to just say whatever. I can makeup whatever excuses or reasons I want, and I don't have to actually face up to it. But that line that blinks knows the truth it holds the truth even though I won't actually allow it to come out. I want to tell everyone, but it's so much easier not to. So I let the little blinking line hold the truth instead of me owning up to the truth until it gets so big that the dreaded line I stare at finally let's the truth out. That will be the day when I have to own up to all the truths I never actually wanted to tell. That will be the day that I will no longer stare at the cursor but instead let it do all the talking.

Finals.....
They are FINALLY over! haha. Punny!
I sit and wait for my grades to be posted. Checking them between the hours of 7am and 12am because SIS isn't open any other time. Everytime I get a new grade I either cringe or sigh of relief. As long as I passed though I feel very grateful. I have yet to fail a class and for that I can't thank God enough. Even though I have been plagued with illness this year I have somehow managed to pass. Even when my body just wanted to sleep somehow I retained all the knowledge and did well on the tests. For all of that I can only think of one person to attribute it to, God. I would fall asleep weary and praying that the few hours I did get to study would matter. He has been faithful and answered every time. I would walk out of tests feeling dominated and that little red dot on D2L would inform me otherwise. People question whether miracles still really happen, they do.

Snow Day!

Snow days are even more exciting in college. You stay up waiting for that text or email from the University. You put off studying or homework because you just know in your gut that they will cancel school. What sucks is when they don't and then your have to cram all the studying into the last minute. We only got one snow day this year, but it was so much fun! I spent the night at a friends house. We watched movies, ate junk food, and talked about life. The reality of the next day was not quite as fun though. School was back in session so it was time to hit the books again. Even though it was only 24 hours, it was a nice break. The snow always brings me peace and it slows me down in life. I like not being able to go anywhere and having to reconnect with friends instead of constantly doing things. I wish we could have a snow day like once a month, I think it would really cut down on my stress level.

Fell down tile stairs
Anxiety attack
5 week mysterious illness that turned out to be acid reflux
Ovarian cyst burst
Upper respiratory infection
2 day stomach bug
Cold
Bronchitis
Sinus Infection
Double ear infection

These are all the illnesses or random things that caused pain I experienced this year. It's been rough. I have spent many nights in bed watching tv because I felt horrible. I have been to the doctor countless times and I am over it. I have been poked, prodded, and looked inside. I am almost my own doctor by now. I can go into the doctor's office and tell them what is wrong with me and the medicine I need. I never understood why my mom kept all the prescription bottles when we didn't need all the medicine. Now I get it. I have started my own stock and now I can skip the doctor because well I already had that I know what to take.

This semester I lived with three freshmen. Going into the whole thing I felt unhappy and like I deserved to live with my friends. I became their mom though this year. I fixed broken things in the apartment. I helped them figure out where OSU hides all the essential technology tools for class. I often gave life advice and talked them down from stress highs. We ate together and spent the weekends doing crazy things that I wouldn't trade for the world. We did life together and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I taught one of them how to do laundry and that the ice make wasn't broken, it just wasn't on. No matter what happened at the end of the day we were there for each other. I took care of them when they were sick and drove them to class. This year was one to remember. Not just for the fun that was had, but for the life lessons and the growth that came out of living with 3 freshmen. When they didn't make the grades they wanted I told them that it was okay. College is something you have to get through and sometimes it is not fair. All else fails you can take the class again. Starbucks runs were the thing to do when we were bored or just needed a quick boost. There is a piece of land that hasn't been developed yet behind Starbs. We would often take my roommates jeep and go "Four wheeling" back there on our way to Starbucks. We made the little things fun and it reminded me that no matter what is stressing me out, sometimes it is okay to act like a freshman.

This semester I met a guy named Taco...
He put a new battery in my car.
He was in the army reserves for 20 years.
It is dangerous to wear jewelry when changing a battery.
Coke can clean your car battery's corrosion.
Taco truly changed my life.